Be the Man You Want to Marry

I gotta give due props to Facebook cuz this isn’t a Wily original.  I was checkin’ out the ol’ news feed the other day and a friend of mine (someone who I don’t really keep up with) had this as her status.

My sister used to have one of those lists.  Several of my Xs have had one of those lists.  I get it.  It’s cool, a girl’s gotta have standards, right?  But you gotta ask yourself, if you’re demanding that you won’t even look at a guy who isn’t–

taller then you, who supports himself, will cook for you, rub your feet, watch girly movies with you, makes enough money to spoil you, knows how to dress himself, stays in shape, is spontaneous, surprises you with flowers for no reason, has a nice car, will go shopping with you, has a great sense of humor, is a free spirit, wants to travel to exotic places, loves his mom, won’t get jealous of all the guys you hang out with, will take you to a fancy dinner every once in a while, will tell you you’re beautiful and not just “hot,” won’t make a big deal over girl’s night out, has a six pack, doesn’t even look at other girls when he’s out with you, opens doors for you, will go with you to the Art Museum he hates just because you want to, will tell you he loves you even in front of his buddies, reads, keeps up on current events, is a good listener, watches all the same trashy reality shows you do, can keep up his side of a conversation and be intellectually stimulating, will hold you when you’re sad or depressed, has blond-ish hair and dark eyes, doesn’t try to fix all your problems when all you want to do is vent, has something in his life that he is passionate about, and can meet your needs in the sack,

–then what exactly do you bring to the table?  How many of your own criteria do you fit?  If you think these things are important for you to receive, as a strong independent woman, why don’t you do them for yourself?

Realistically, how often do we look at the person we’re dating and think, “What do I do for them?”

As my last relationship began to wane, she told me she wanted me to be more philosophical and mentally stimulating in our conversations on the phone.  Part of the problem was the idea of being put on the spot during what was usually a 5 or 10 minute conversation before bedtime because we live in different cities.  ”Can you do it?” I asked.  ”If I said, ’say something profound,’ could you?”  ”No,” she replied, “but that’s what I want in a partner.”  So I tried to keep track of anything halfway decent that would pop into my head through the course of the day, so I could tell her about it, hoping to meet her needs.  And when it came down to it and the long distance was starting to get to me, I asked her to help me feel more secure about things by admitting that there’s some stress in our relationship from being long distance.  ”…Do it yourself,” she responded, “why should I be responsible for whether or not you feel secure?”

Dear Sarah,

Dear Sarah,

Ok, so it was a heated debate via Facebook status comments.  Well, it was a lukewarm debate.  I get that you felt strongly, but I guess I thought we’re all adults and we can disagree and still be facebook friends.  Yeah, so we went to school together almost 10 years ago, and we were never that close.  I give you that.  So being defriended over something like this isn’t that big of a deal.  Honestly, I’m not really gonna miss you.

I know that I’m a stubborn guy and I tend to take things pretty personally, but I also know that the best way to learn, grow, and change is to challenge your own ideas.  It may not always seem like I’m open to hearing you out, but I will always hear you out.  I might not always admit that I’m wrong right away, but I will always eventually admit it when I am.  Blame it on the introversion.  It often takes me a while to process things.  That’s what’s interesting about commenting back and forth via facebook.  It gives us all a second to sit and think.  So what does it mean, when you’re given a chance to sit and think, that you’d rather remove me from your friend list than question your own ideas or formulate a response?

Not all of my friends agree with me, and I’m grateful for that.  Some of the best relationships I’ve had have been ones that challenge me.  And I’m a better person for it.  I know that it might take a while for me to turn thought into action, but in the meantime, I have friends who will call me out when I’m talking the talk and not walking the walk.  And having them there to call me out often helps me reach my goal.  Some people in my life don’t appreciate my calling them out, but I will always have their best interests at heart.  After all, they are the ones setting the standard for themselves.

In this case I try to take a word of advice from the bible:  “you must first remove the plank from your own eye before you can take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.”  This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do.  It’s always easier to see what’s going on with someone else than to take an honest look at yourself.  But I try to keep in mind that whenever I point my finger, there are always three fingers pointing back at me.  A lot of times the failings we see in others are a manifestation of the failings we see in ourselves as we project them onto someone else.

So I guess I should thank you, Sarah, for reminding me to take a step back and look inward.  And I suppose that’s the final lesson I’ll learn from you.

If all your friends jumped off a cliff…

Inhale deeply.  Smell that?  That, dear reader, is change.

It feels like we’re all standing on a precipice.  ”Leap and the net will appear.”  The second you take that leap, everything changes.  What’s important to me is how I approach the leap.

Japanese Zen buddhists believe in makyo, a kind of vision you have when you’re meditating.  It’s not an enlightening vision, but it might feel that way.  I had had some visions so I talked to the man who was leading my meditation class.  He told me to “sit more vigorously.”  The problem I’d had was that my mind was constantly racing.  I had a hard time not indulging the thoughts that would pop up in my head.  That’s where the world seems to be right now:  Standing on the precipice, about to change the world, knowing that there’s a greater purpose to it all, but completely over-indulging in the bullshit.

Taylor vs. Kanye, Death panels and other misinformation, and Michael Jackson’s brain, just to name a few.

Change is inevitable.  We change every day of our lives.  I’ve always firmly believed that we are given what we need, not what we want, by whichever god we choose to put our faith in.  Oscar Wilde said, “When the gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers.”  I hear a lot of parents say, “I have to do what’s best for my kid.”  What’s best.  The thing I take away from both of those quotes is that we don’t necessarily know what’s best for us.  Ultimately, my faith goes into the fact that I’ve been given what I’ve needed, not what I’ve wanted, from life.

But, hey, I can be pretty stubborn.  I can sit there and say, “I want to do this,” or, “The woman I’m dating has to have these qualities,” or, “I am this or that kind of person.”  But I’ve found that that kind of thinking basically boils down to “I will be happy when I have this (thing/experience/whatever),” or, “I’ll be happy when the I find the person who fits all my criteria,” or, “The only way I’ll be happy is if other people see me in a certain way.”  I get closed off.  I’m not being open to the possibility of the world around me affecting me.  I’m not letting myself be changed by the life that’s happening around me because my mind is focused on those desires rather than the reality that’s right in front of me.

The thing about it is that it takes courage to see that reality.  It’s easy to view everything through the black and white lens of “Does this fit my preconceived set of criteria?”  Then, rather than seeing the world in front of you, you’re chopping it up into pieces that fit your past thoughts, and pieces that don’t fit.  And we’re off to the races, not seeing or appreciating that which is unfolding right before our very eyes.

The big picture problem with all that is that we have our parts to play when it comes to what’s best for the world.  Just doing what we want, without any thought to how we’re contributing to or affecting the world, is easy.  And selfish.  I watched Stranger than Fiction recently, and this quote stuck out to me:

“it’s a book about a man who doesn’t know he’s about to die. And then dies. But if a man does know he’s about to die and dies anyway. Dies- dies willingly, knowing that he could stop it, then- I mean, isn’t that the type of man who you want to keep alive?”

If only the seemingly mundane choices I make in my life could have that kind of meaning.  Maybe it already does.  But either way, it’s about living your life artfully; making it count.  Approaching the precipice with purpose in mind.  And then, just making the leap.  Ready?  3…2…

A Quick Note About My Cup

It hit me like a ton of bricks square in the face the other day while I was walking around the Mall:  I need to empty my cup.

There was once a Zen master who was known far and wide for his wisdom.  Many people came to visit with him with the hopes of catching a glimpse of his insights.  One day, a very wealthy and powerful man came to see the Zen master.  The wealthy man asked the master to teach him Zen so that he would be enlightened.  So the master began to teach.  The wealthy man, hoping to impress the Zen master with a demonstration of his vast knowledge, would interrupt the master’s teachings to interject some amusing anecdote or some teaching he had previously heard.  When the tea was served, the master began to pour the tea into the cup of the wealthy man.  The cup filled to the brim and began to overflow, and the master continued to pour.  Spilling the tea on his expensive robes, the wealthy man, stood and said, “Master, can’t you see that the cup is full?”  The master smiled and said, “You are like this cup, so full that nothing more can be added.  You are full of your own ideas and opinions.  How can you learn anything unless you first empty your cup?

I’ve been in Good Boyfriend mode for a long time.  I’d be walking around the Mall and I’d see something that my girlfriend might like, and I’d file that away.  I’d get a good date idea, and file that away.  Or I’d even be talking to her and hear about something she saw and was interested in, and I’d file that away.

I have all this energy that has been trained to make sure that I’m being the thoughtful boyfriend, constantly looking for clues as to how I could make the woman I love smile.  The trouble I’m having, now that that’s over, is in the harnessing and redirecting of that energy.  My cup is full of this energy, and unless I empty myself of it I won’t be able to move forward.

This is part of my nature.  I don’t think that this behavior is a bad thing.  It’s just that when all this mental, physical and emotional energy has been devoted so long to a singular pursuit, and suddenly the trail goes cold, what can I do to keep that energy from leading me down the expressway to Negative Town?

Case in point:  Early in our relationship, she told me that she loved Skyline Chili, from the Ohio area.  On one of our first dates, she sacrificed her last can to make some for me.  You can’t really get it here in Minnesota, so I sent her a case of it via the internet while she was working out of town.  Much to my dismay, She didn’t quite put two and two together, and she thought they were from someone else (I suspect that this was due to the fact that she was interested in another guy while she was out of town, but I digress).  I recently recalled this story and it was like a punch to the gut.  It emptied the air from my lungs, the wind from my sails.  My Good Boyfriend Mode was set on High, and it yielded a very disappointing result.  So I spiraled down, led by the same energy that kept telling me to “remember she likes Skyline Chili”.

I wouldn’t say that it’s frantic energy, it’s just lost its bearings.  So now it’s bouncing around my head and heart absolutely directionless like the DVD standby icon thingy that gets bumped around the screen.

My cup runneth over, and not in a good way.  Time to tip some out for my homies.

Dum Spiro Spero

President Obama campaigned on the words Hope and Change.  And while you might disagree with his politics, I think we can all agree that Hope is something we all need in our lives.  Especially if you come from South Carolina, where your state motto is Dum Spiro Spero: While I breathe, I hope.

Maybe there’s something in the air down in South Carolina.  Cuz the people have been breathing in and out and have chosen 2 real winners to represent them:  Gov. Mark “I believe in the Sanctity of Marriage” Sanford, and Congressman Joe “I disagree with you therefore you are a liar” Wilson.  Where have all the Southern Gentlemen gone?

The irony of one of the nation’s first tobacco producers having this as their state motto is not lost on these guys.  Gov.  Mark Sanford, who ‘disappeared’ for a weekend and was found trying to sneak away for an afternoon delight with his mistress in Argentina, has been a strong proponent of legally defining marriage as a union between a Man and a Woman because, well,  it’s sacred.  And now Congressman Joe Wilson showed how classy he keeps things in SC by shouting at the President of the United States during a Presidential Address to congress, in which President Obama said, among other things, that:

“…what we have also seen in these last months is the same partisan spectacle that only hardens the disdain many Americans have toward their own government. Instead of honest debate, we have seen scare tactics. Some have dug into unyielding ideological camps that offer no hope of compromise. Too many have used this as an opportunity to score short-term political points, even if it robs the country of our opportunity to solve a long-term challenge. And out of this blizzard of charges and counter-charges, confusion has reigned.

Well the time for bickering is over. The time for games has passed. Now is the season for action. Now is when we must bring the best ideas of both parties together, and show the American people that we can still do what we were sent here to do. Now is the time to deliver on health care…

…If you come to me with a serious set of proposals, I will be there to listen. My door is always open.  But know this: I will not waste time with those who have made the calculation that it’s better politics to kill this plan than improve it.”

Unfortunately, the story isn’t the President’s health care plan anymore.  The story now is how bitter, cynical, and classless the Republican party has become.  And that bitterness, cynicism, and classlessness has been given a face.  A face that bears a striking resemblance to Congressman Joe Wilson.

I think it’s safe to say that Congressman Wilson’s political career is in need of some quality health care if it’s gonna survive.  But it’s not dead, yet.  When your life, political or otherwise, is teetering on the brink, it’s important to remember that there’s always hope.

Phenomenon, Do Dooo do do DO!

There’s a phenomenon out there that I think we’ve all been made aware of on some level.  I just saw it happen in a bar in Mpls:

A woman walked into the bar, looking gorgeous, confident, interesting; giving off a strong personality vibe in general.  And in walks her date, a guy that, for lack of a better term, was plain, vanilla, boring.

OK, I get that that’s a superficial judgment on my part, but I’ve also seen it happen with my friends and family.  It’s the really great guy who is dating a woman with the personality of a coffee table.  It’s the very cool, hip, all around awesome woman who’s with the stereotypical loser boyfriend.

So here’s my question to you, dear readers:  If I feel I’ve always dated really great, interesting, confident women, how often have I been the guy that people look at and say, “what does she see in him?”  50%? 20%?

And if you’re going through a break-up and your friends are telling you, “You’re better off/It’s her loss…” and you know that her friends are telling her, “You’re better off/It’s his loss…” then aren’t we all losers?

Discuss.

Who’s on First.

“If I am who I am because I am who I am and you are who you are because you are who you are then I am who I am and you are who you are, but if I am who I am because you are who you are and you are who you are because I am who I am then I am not who I am and you are not who you are.”  -from Art by Yasmina Reza

OK, so part Popeye, part Abbot & Costello.

We all want to believe we’re independent and self-created and maybe to a certain degree we all are.  But if you believe that no one is an island, then the only way we truly see ourselves is in the funhouse mirror of our relationships.  Maybe you’re the funny one in your group of friends.  Maybe you’re the one that is everybody’s confidant.  Maybe you’re the guy that everybody makes fun of and secretly wonders how you got to be in your group and why they still let you hang.

Relationships are inevitable.  We relate to the other drivers on the road, the person pouring our coffee in the morning, and the partner we kiss goodnight every night.  The trick is to know ourselves well enough to define our relationships, rather than let those relationships define us.

Shakespeare wrote: “This above all: To thine own self be true,” but first we should look to the Greeks: “Know thyself.”  Or maybe we should just stick to Abbot and Costello.

Gimme a Break, Giiiiimme a Break, Break Me Off a Piece of That…

“I think we need to take a break.”

“We’re already on a break.  We’re away from each other.”

This line is still ringing in my ears.  Ok, yeah, long distance relationships are hard.  I don’t know anyone who would dispute that.  To a certain extent, she was right.  What’s the difference between being together and breaking up?  The extra 5 minutes we get to sleep since we’re not calling each other to say goodnight.

I’ve noticed how quiet my phone is lately.  She and I texted a lot more than we talked, and when I wouldn’t respond to her text I’d definitely be hearing about it.  And since my phone seems to be taking a break, I’m realizing that while she didn’t have a great presence in my day to day life, she had a huge presence in my heart.

My roommates bear the brunt of my daily lamentations.  The other day I expressed some confusion about why I’m feeling the way I am, and I was told this:

“You gave her your heart.”

I know full well that the only thing that kept her from making out with other guys were the words Boyfriend and Girlfriend.  We’d been over this before.  It was the title that mattered to her, and it was the feeling that mattered to me.  This came up when we first started dating and another guy came into the picture.

“Technically, we’re not Boyfriend/Girlfriend.”  She’d say.

“But you’ve been telling me you love me.”

She’s incredibly attractive and intriguing, so I’m sure that she’s had to fend of more than a few guys during our time together, and now that the label has peeled off, she’s free to avail herself of all the tonsil-hockey she can stomach.  And if she really meant what she said, that we were already on a break from each other, then perhaps she isn’t struggling as much as I am.

But that’s just it:  I’m struggling more than I thought I would.  Because I love her and that doesn’t go away so easily.  I wouldn’t have been able to spend any significant time with her for the next 3 months or so anyway, and that became problematic.  Especially since her track record spoke for itself.  Every time she’d gone out of town for work in our dating life, despite the passion we had for each other, the “I love you’s,” and big spoon/little spoon relationship we’d worked out over more than a few amazing nights, we still weren’t “technically” Boyfriend/Girlfriend.  And there was always another guy whose attention she’d accept.

At the end of the road, all I wanted was for her to acknowledge that the distance was causing some stress.  Here’s where things start to get weird for me.  I’ve always heard women talk about wanting their guy to want to go above and beyond, to choose to do things they might not normally do, but to be motivated by the desire to make her happy.  That’s essentially what I wanted from her.  I just wanted her to know that, considering my past experiences (including the few incidents in the early stages of our relationship), a long distance relationship was difficult for me.  And I simply wanted her to want to put my mind at ease.

I used to be a guy who gave her a vase and promised to keep it full.  A guy that promised himself that he’d never give her the same kind of flowers twice.  A guy who cooked a week’s worth of food for her during a particularly busy stretch in her schedule.  A guy who, rather than send flowers or candy, found a website where he could order her favorite chili and have it sent to her on the road.  A guy that could tell her anything and feel like she wouldn’t judge him.  A guy that used to climb trees.  A guy that loved without fear.

What happened to that guy?  The fear ultimately consumed him; swallowed him whole.  That guy is gone.  He’s been on break for a long time now.  So long, in fact, that he’s no longer missed.

Well, break’s over.

I need more Lil Jon in my life

I heard this quote recently:

“There are to kinds of politicians: ones who try to say Yes, and ones that try to say No.”

In my experience it’s not just politicians who are that way.  The epiphany I had recently was that there are a lot of people around me who try to say no.

I’ve always believed that there will always be myriad reasons to say no to something, but the only reason that counts is the simplest: I don’t want to.  The opposite of that is true, too: The only reason to say yes to something is because you want to.  The latter half of my epiphany is that I am an idea guy; I thrive on enthusiasm of people who want to say yes, and the desire to give something the old college try.

Case in point:  the other day at rehearsal, we were working on a scene that involved an actor backlit against a screen.  The scene was simply that actor looking at butterflies, well puppets of butterflies, and the trouble was trying to get the actor to manipulate the puppet butterflies, but also play the scene.  So I suggested that our backstage crewmember operate the puppet and the actor’s hands would be free to be in the silhouette.

“No, she’ll be seen.”

“She’ll have to be right up against [the actor].”

“The [puppet] wires aren’t long enough.”

Ok, granted, I didn’t fight for my idea because, after all, it’s the director’s call.  But after trying to make their initial idea work, they ended up having the backstage crewmember operate the puppet from offstage, and it’s in the show.

Initially, I couldn’t help but feel like I should get some sort of credit for my idea, but that’s just vanity.  While being shouted down so quickly was a body shot to the ol’ ego, it did help me realize that I have some valid contributions to offer and I shouldn’t be shy about speaking up.

We’ve heard it all before:  You’ll never know until you try.  Every 12 year old kid has heard this from a parent.  So what has us looking into our crystal ball and seeing how we think something will turn out?  Life experience, I guess.

We like to think we know some things.  We seem to have this desire to be able to see all the way to  the emerald city before we even set foot on the yellow brick road.  Maybe it’s cliche to say, even at this point, that every journey begins with one step.  So when its something simple like, “Can you just admit that I have every right to feel the way I do?” there’s a fork in the road.  The side that starts with, “What good will that do?” is the dead end.  The other side is the side that says, “Ok, I’ll take a sec to slip on your Chuck Taylor’s and walk around for a bit.”  That’s the side that leads to the emerald city, even though it might not have been apparent at that first step.  And yet, there are some of us out there who need to be able to see all the way down to the finish line before they even start.  These people are not marathon runners.  They’re not in it for the long haul.  They are sprinters who would rather win the battle than the war.

Being surprised is one of the joys of life.  Ok, some people don’t like surprises, but everyone has had something unexpected happen to them, I don’t care who you are.  We plan and we plan, sometimes to a T.  Then one thing happens and the game is changed completely.  In fact, surprises are the only thing in life you can count on.  So why not poke around a bit?

If you ask the typical person on the street what their plan was 10 years ago, I’d bet the vast majority would say that they never thought they’d be exactly where they are now.  All that is a product of trying new things and making the best of surprising situations, saying yes and going with the flow.

The way I see it is like this:  Each time you create a No for yourself you draw a line in the sand.  And one day you wake up, and you’re completely boxed in.

And if you’re only as good as the company you keep, then you get to choose.  And, for my money, I’d like to have more people around me who try to say Yes.

She said. He said.

She said she didn’t want to get married.  He said he wasn’t asking, and that he probably wouldn’t ask on a first date.

She said relationships are about experiencing things together and, once she was done doing that with him, she would simply move on.

She said that the only way for people to stay compatible is to stop changing.  He said, “What if they change together?”

She said she was a free spirit and didn’t want to be tied down.  He said that free spirits do what they want to do, and it seemed like She really didn’t want to be with him.

She said that, technically, they weren’t boyfriend/girlfriend when she kissed that other guy.  He said that that kiss broke his heart.

She said it was just a kiss.  He said when He and She are together, they don’t do more than “just” kiss, and he wondered what the difference was.

She said She didn’t want any contact with him when She was on vacation for a month because she needed “time alone.”  She emailed him within a week.

She said She didn’t want to be with the other, other guy cuz he smokes pot, drinks, and cheats on his girlfriend.  He was told that people were surprised to hear She had a boyfriend, cuz She was really cuddly with that other, other guy.

She said that She tells all her friends that she loves them.  He said he thought he was more than just one of her other friends.

She said she wanted to work on things.  She also said that she was busy.  And tired.  And didn’t have time.

She said she liked him because he made her feel like it would be okay for her to take off to New Guinea, alone, for a few months.  He said he hoped she would want him to come along.

She said, “What am I gonna do when you’re out of town for a month?!”  He said, “Congrats on the job that’s taking you out of town for 4 months.  And is keeping you out of town for another 3 months.  Then the other job you have lined up that will be another 5 months.  I want to be supportive, but this is gonna be hard.”

She said, “why can’t we just have peace and love?”  He said that all he wanted was for her to acknowledge that there was some stress in their relationship because of the distance.

She said that if he didn’t want to be in a long distance relationship, he shouldn’t date actresses.

She said that She needed to go to bed cuz She had a long day, has to be up early for a 14 hour workday, and can barely keep her eyes open, but “is everything ok with us?”

She said She can’t win with him.  He said it was because She was trying to win.

She said it was her birthday curse.  Her birthday was a month and a half away.

She said relationships are about experiencing things together and, once she was done doing that with him, she would simply move on.  He said it sounds like she already had.