Some of you may be wondering…

…what the hell is he talking about?

Believe me, I’ve been wondering that same shit lately.  I’m sure you get it by now: I’ve been cheated on and feel pretty salty about it.  Ok, now that that’s out of the way, let’s unpack it a little.

My acting teacher carries one of those huge podium-style dictionaries in a bag whenever he comes into class.  He says that a lot of times, even when we think we know what a word means, we might have something to learn from the dictionary definition.  So, whenever we come across a word in class that seems important, he whips out his big dictionary.

What I’m getting at is that a lot of people out there might have a working understanding of what it means to cheat or be cheated on, but after being told that it’s time to get over it, I’m starting to think that it might help to whip out my big dictionary and really understand what is going on.

According to my computer’s dictionary program, to Cheat:

To act dishonestly or unfairly in order to gain an advantage, especially in a game or examination.

To deceive or trick.

To use inferior materials or methods unobtrusively in order to save time or money.

To avoid something undesirable by luck or skill.

The overarching theme is that cheating benefits no one except for the cheater.  That might seem obvious, but if to love is to give, to cheat is purely selfish, the polar opposite of love.

On the effects of cheating: The last definition is to avoid something undesirable by luck or skill.  Something undesirable.  Just to be totally obvious, the “something undesirable” is the partner being cheated on.  I’m sure there are experts out there who can speak to the myriad psychological effects of being cheated on, but the bottom line is that to cheat is to deceive, which opens the door to a slew of issues with commitment, trust, and self-esteem.

There’s a dude out on the west coast, Dr. John Gottman, who’s been studying relationships to scientifically quantify them and what makes them work.  He’s found that relationships are the basis for emotional health, cognitive development, and ultimately, how we learn throughout our lives.  One of the things he’s found from studying romantic relationships over the last 35 years or so is that healthy successful relationships have a positive-negative ratio of 5-1.  That means for every negative thing someone does to their partner, they do 5 positive things.  It doesn’t take a scientist to know that people are more inclined to be self-critical, so for their partner to reinforce something negative about them would require at least 5 positive things just for the sake of balance.

So let’s put this in the context of cheating.  In order for it to be a wash, according to Dr. Gottman’s findings, the cheater would have to do some positive action that carries the impact of cheating 5 times.  Here’s where the cheater’s argument often loses steam.  The argument I’ve heard the most is, “You have to forgive me.”  Ok, yes forgiveness can be helpful, but doesn’t that just let the cheater off the hook?  Why isn’t it the cheater’s responsibility to earn back their partner’s faith and trust if they want to continue the relationship?  So the question should be, “what are you gonna do, cheater, to earn that forgiveness?”

People who are cheated on often blame themselves, are made to feel inadequate, and have trouble with trust in the future.  So what does it say when we focus on whether or not the victim is capable of forgiveness rather than the work that the cheater needs to do if (s)he wants to work it out?

If you’re like me and have a big ol’ red button about being cheated on, that positive thing your partner does for you might have to end up feeling like an Olympian winning a gold medal.  Now try to do that 5 times.

Is it an uphill battle?  Yes.  But if you’re gonna cheat on your partner, you’re bringing that on yourself.  Relationships are already hard work without adding bullshit expectations about being forgiven for something as shitty as cheating.  You’d be lucky if your partner gives you another chance after being cheated on, so take your destiny into your own hands and do what it takes for the relationship to work.

There’s a quote that I’ve always liked from an alternate ending of The Last Kiss :

It’s always amazed me how much a choice you make in a fleeting instant can change your life forever.  I just feel so lucky that the choices I’ve made have led me to exactly where I am… I can’t honestly say that Jenna’s completely forgiven me and for all I know she never will, but a wise man once told me you can’t fail if you don’t give up.  And guess what?  I’m not giving up.

So what is this all about?  Well, it’s time for me to stop feeling sorry for myself.  It’s time for the Wily Filipino Online Pity Party to turn the lights on and kick everyone out.  The hardest thing for me to realize is that for all my self-blaming, the onus falls on the woman who acts dishonestly.

Let this be the warning to you ladies out there.  You’ll never meet another guy like me.  Don’t fuck it up.

When was the last time you played?

As I douse myself with antibacterial hand sanitizer, I can’t help but smile at all the cute kids at the Halloween costume contest at the Mall.  Ok, so escorting the big shrimp isn’t the most glamorous job in the world, but every once in a while you get to remember what it was like to be a kid.  Today was one of those days.

There was a woman, who I later found out was Grandma, standing in line to register for the costume contest with her toddler.  I’d guess 2-3 years old.  Pacifier in mouth (the kid, not the grandma).  I walked up holding a sticker out for him and said, “Hey Spiderman, do you want a sticker?”  And Grandma promptly answered, “He doesn’t talk yet.”  Thanks, Grandma, The pacifier was a big hint.  I bet your grandson isn’t, in fact, Spiderman either.

I’ve always wanted to have a kid, and I didn’t really know why until today.  Yeah, kids are disarmingly cute and they have unbelievable imaginations and you can mold and shape them into little versions of yourself.  Perhaps even cooler versions of yourself, if that’s possible.  But that’s not why I want to have a kid someday.  I want to have a kid because they give you a whole different perspective on life.

As a dude in his 30s (yeesh), I know I have responsibilities.  There are rules to follow, and a lot of that boils down to one word: Fear.  Fear of what people will think, fear of losing everything I’ve built up, fear of failure, fear of looking foolish.  You probably won’t be surprised at how many adults turn down the stickers I hand out, while this one sticker seems to make their kid’s day.  The stakes are high for us grownups.  But when was the last time you played?  I mean, yes, we all have responsibilities to attend to, but why can’t we do both?  Why does being an adult mean that we have to abandon the joy of life that being a kid brings?

Kids remind us that we all have the capacity to believe, to love unconditionally, and to live for each moment.  They’re not trying to win some prize or tell themselves “I’ll be happy when…”  Their mere presence in a room changes the energy of that room completely.  Something innocent and pure; they wear their emotions on their sleeves, along with the requisite amount of mucus.  Their joys and their sadnesses are fully expressed, they don’t get self conscious or try to hide their feelings for anyone else’s benefit.  They just are who they are.

I think I have a lot to learn from kids.  There’s a part of me that’s yearning to remember what it was like, and one of the few ways to do that is to be around them every day.  To be invited to play and be silly.  To give myself the permission to smile and laugh as boldly and completely as I feel.  And to let my life be affected, changed by someone else.  Maybe even someone cooler than me.

Speaking of playing:

The Second Rat

There’s a guy I work with at the restaurant who is best described as your classic bullshitter.  He hits on girls at his tables, girls at other servers’ tables, well, pretty much any girl that comes into the restaurant.  To my knowledge, he’s got a couple baby-mamas, and yet he somehow gets by with working at the restaurant, where I make just barely enough to take care of myself.  He and I get along pretty well, but I tend not to take anything he says too seriously.  So you can imagine my surprise when I found myself thinking about something he said recently:

“The early bird gets the worm, but the second rat gets the cheese.”

Someone told me that when it comes to critiquing your art the person who is usually full of shit most days can actually be insightful every once in a while.  In the immortal words of Wesley Snipes, “Even the sun shines on a dogs ass some days.”  Well, this doesn’t really have anything to do with art, but it does have to do with a moment of sudden profundity.

We all benefit from other people’s hard work.  Whether it’s the first Filipino immigrants who picked asparagus, carrots, tomatoes, lettuce, sugar cane, or grapes and paved the way for families like mine to follow, or the migrant workers of today who make it possible for my grocery list to stay affordable, I recognize that their situations are often far less than ideal, but the reality is that their hard work has a direct effect on how we maintain our lifestyles.

A while back I found out that I was hired for a job after a friend of mine turned it down.  After the Sloppy Seconds feeling went away, I realized that being the last choice, the right choice, is what’s important, and the rest is just ego. You know how people say one person can make a difference?  Most of the time, we don’t see what we bring to the table, let alone how the things we bring to the table affect the people around us.  But in this case, it paid off.  I happened to have a couple of skills the director didn’t know about in my back pocket that really contributed to the project, so it felt serendipitous that my friend turned it down.

I suppose what I’m saying is that, as cliche as it is, everything happens for a reason.  A little patience and intelligence goes a long way.  We can learn from the mistakes of others if we take the time to really see what’s going on.

At the end of the day you gotta ask yourself:  What is the ultimate goal?  Is the goal to beat everyone else to feed your ego with a moment of satisfaction, or to get the cheese?

Ok, so it just wouldn’t be a Wily Filipino blog post if I didn’t mention something about being cheated on.  So here goes:  I’m fully aware that my heart has led me to be the first rat, and trust me, that big metal bar snapping down on your head sucks balls.  The problem is that I’ve been seeing myself as the rat, and what I need to start doing is see myself as the cheese.  I’m not saying that I ever want to be the other guy.  I just want to be with someone who is aware enough to know that it’s not about stringing me along while she gets something out of her system.  Someone who can resist the urge to rush into things with me when she’s not ready just because I’m “nice.”  Take a second, think, and breathe.  If you really want the cheese, it’ll be worth the wait.

Sometimes winning isn’t everything.  I guess that depends on your definition of “winning.”  If you want to look at it as “second place is the first loser,”  that’s fine.  I’ll be the one with the cheese, and you’ll be dead.

Be the Man You Want to Marry

I gotta give due props to Facebook cuz this isn’t a Wily original.  I was checkin’ out the ol’ news feed the other day and a friend of mine (someone who I don’t really keep up with) had this as her status.

My sister used to have one of those lists.  Several of my Xs have had one of those lists.  I get it.  It’s cool, a girl’s gotta have standards, right?  But you gotta ask yourself, if you’re demanding that you won’t even look at a guy who isn’t–

taller then you, who supports himself, will cook for you, rub your feet, watch girly movies with you, makes enough money to spoil you, knows how to dress himself, stays in shape, is spontaneous, surprises you with flowers for no reason, has a nice car, will go shopping with you, has a great sense of humor, is a free spirit, wants to travel to exotic places, loves his mom, won’t get jealous of all the guys you hang out with, will take you to a fancy dinner every once in a while, will tell you you’re beautiful and not just “hot,” won’t make a big deal over girl’s night out, has a six pack, doesn’t even look at other girls when he’s out with you, opens doors for you, will go with you to the Art Museum he hates just because you want to, will tell you he loves you even in front of his buddies, reads, keeps up on current events, is a good listener, watches all the same trashy reality shows you do, can keep up his side of a conversation and be intellectually stimulating, will hold you when you’re sad or depressed, has blond-ish hair and dark eyes, doesn’t try to fix all your problems when all you want to do is vent, has something in his life that he is passionate about, and can meet your needs in the sack,

–then what exactly do you bring to the table?  How many of your own criteria do you fit?  If you think these things are important for you to receive, as a strong independent woman, why don’t you do them for yourself?

Realistically, how often do we look at the person we’re dating and think, “What do I do for them?”

As my last relationship began to wane, she told me she wanted me to be more philosophical and mentally stimulating in our conversations on the phone.  Part of the problem was the idea of being put on the spot during what was usually a 5 or 10 minute conversation before bedtime because we live in different cities.  ”Can you do it?” I asked.  ”If I said, ’say something profound,’ could you?”  ”No,” she replied, “but that’s what I want in a partner.”  So I tried to keep track of anything halfway decent that would pop into my head through the course of the day, so I could tell her about it, hoping to meet her needs.  And when it came down to it and the long distance was starting to get to me, I asked her to help me feel more secure about things by admitting that there’s some stress in our relationship from being long distance.  ”…Do it yourself,” she responded, “why should I be responsible for whether or not you feel secure?”

Dear Sarah,

Dear Sarah,

Ok, so it was a heated debate via Facebook status comments.  Well, it was a lukewarm debate.  I get that you felt strongly, but I guess I thought we’re all adults and we can disagree and still be facebook friends.  Yeah, so we went to school together almost 10 years ago, and we were never that close.  I give you that.  So being defriended over something like this isn’t that big of a deal.  Honestly, I’m not really gonna miss you.

I know that I’m a stubborn guy and I tend to take things pretty personally, but I also know that the best way to learn, grow, and change is to challenge your own ideas.  It may not always seem like I’m open to hearing you out, but I will always hear you out.  I might not always admit that I’m wrong right away, but I will always eventually admit it when I am.  Blame it on the introversion.  It often takes me a while to process things.  That’s what’s interesting about commenting back and forth via facebook.  It gives us all a second to sit and think.  So what does it mean, when you’re given a chance to sit and think, that you’d rather remove me from your friend list than question your own ideas or formulate a response?

Not all of my friends agree with me, and I’m grateful for that.  Some of the best relationships I’ve had have been ones that challenge me.  And I’m a better person for it.  I know that it might take a while for me to turn thought into action, but in the meantime, I have friends who will call me out when I’m talking the talk and not walking the walk.  And having them there to call me out often helps me reach my goal.  Some people in my life don’t appreciate my calling them out, but I will always have their best interests at heart.  After all, they are the ones setting the standard for themselves.

In this case I try to take a word of advice from the bible:  “you must first remove the plank from your own eye before you can take the speck out of your neighbor’s eye.”  This is probably one of the hardest things for me to do.  It’s always easier to see what’s going on with someone else than to take an honest look at yourself.  But I try to keep in mind that whenever I point my finger, there are always three fingers pointing back at me.  A lot of times the failings we see in others are a manifestation of the failings we see in ourselves as we project them onto someone else.

So I guess I should thank you, Sarah, for reminding me to take a step back and look inward.  And I suppose that’s the final lesson I’ll learn from you.

If all your friends jumped off a cliff…

Inhale deeply.  Smell that?  That, dear reader, is change.

It feels like we’re all standing on a precipice.  ”Leap and the net will appear.”  The second you take that leap, everything changes.  What’s important to me is how I approach the leap.

Japanese Zen buddhists believe in makyo, a kind of vision you have when you’re meditating.  It’s not an enlightening vision, but it might feel that way.  I had had some visions so I talked to the man who was leading my meditation class.  He told me to “sit more vigorously.”  The problem I’d had was that my mind was constantly racing.  I had a hard time not indulging the thoughts that would pop up in my head.  That’s where the world seems to be right now:  Standing on the precipice, about to change the world, knowing that there’s a greater purpose to it all, but completely over-indulging in the bullshit.

Taylor vs. Kanye, Death panels and other misinformation, and Michael Jackson’s brain, just to name a few.

Change is inevitable.  We change every day of our lives.  I’ve always firmly believed that we are given what we need, not what we want, by whichever god we choose to put our faith in.  Oscar Wilde said, “When the gods want to punish us, they answer our prayers.”  I hear a lot of parents say, “I have to do what’s best for my kid.”  What’s best.  The thing I take away from both of those quotes is that we don’t necessarily know what’s best for us.  Ultimately, my faith goes into the fact that I’ve been given what I’ve needed, not what I’ve wanted, from life.

But, hey, I can be pretty stubborn.  I can sit there and say, “I want to do this,” or, “The woman I’m dating has to have these qualities,” or, “I am this or that kind of person.”  But I’ve found that that kind of thinking basically boils down to “I will be happy when I have this (thing/experience/whatever),” or, “I’ll be happy when the I find the person who fits all my criteria,” or, “The only way I’ll be happy is if other people see me in a certain way.”  I get closed off.  I’m not being open to the possibility of the world around me affecting me.  I’m not letting myself be changed by the life that’s happening around me because my mind is focused on those desires rather than the reality that’s right in front of me.

The thing about it is that it takes courage to see that reality.  It’s easy to view everything through the black and white lens of “Does this fit my preconceived set of criteria?”  Then, rather than seeing the world in front of you, you’re chopping it up into pieces that fit your past thoughts, and pieces that don’t fit.  And we’re off to the races, not seeing or appreciating that which is unfolding right before our very eyes.

The big picture problem with all that is that we have our parts to play when it comes to what’s best for the world.  Just doing what we want, without any thought to how we’re contributing to or affecting the world, is easy.  And selfish.  I watched Stranger than Fiction recently, and this quote stuck out to me:

“it’s a book about a man who doesn’t know he’s about to die. And then dies. But if a man does know he’s about to die and dies anyway. Dies- dies willingly, knowing that he could stop it, then- I mean, isn’t that the type of man who you want to keep alive?”

If only the seemingly mundane choices I make in my life could have that kind of meaning.  Maybe it already does.  But either way, it’s about living your life artfully; making it count.  Approaching the precipice with purpose in mind.  And then, just making the leap.  Ready?  3…2…

Phenomenon, Do Dooo do do DO!

There’s a phenomenon out there that I think we’ve all been made aware of on some level.  I just saw it happen in a bar in Mpls:

A woman walked into the bar, looking gorgeous, confident, interesting; giving off a strong personality vibe in general.  And in walks her date, a guy that, for lack of a better term, was plain, vanilla, boring.

OK, I get that that’s a superficial judgment on my part, but I’ve also seen it happen with my friends and family.  It’s the really great guy who is dating a woman with the personality of a coffee table.  It’s the very cool, hip, all around awesome woman who’s with the stereotypical loser boyfriend.

So here’s my question to you, dear readers:  If I feel I’ve always dated really great, interesting, confident women, how often have I been the guy that people look at and say, “what does she see in him?”  50%? 20%?

And if you’re going through a break-up and your friends are telling you, “You’re better off/It’s her loss…” and you know that her friends are telling her, “You’re better off/It’s his loss…” then aren’t we all losers?

Discuss.

Who’s on First.

“If I am who I am because I am who I am and you are who you are because you are who you are then I am who I am and you are who you are, but if I am who I am because you are who you are and you are who you are because I am who I am then I am not who I am and you are not who you are.”  -from Art by Yasmina Reza

OK, so part Popeye, part Abbot & Costello.

We all want to believe we’re independent and self-created and maybe to a certain degree we all are.  But if you believe that no one is an island, then the only way we truly see ourselves is in the funhouse mirror of our relationships.  Maybe you’re the funny one in your group of friends.  Maybe you’re the one that is everybody’s confidant.  Maybe you’re the guy that everybody makes fun of and secretly wonders how you got to be in your group and why they still let you hang.

Relationships are inevitable.  We relate to the other drivers on the road, the person pouring our coffee in the morning, and the partner we kiss goodnight every night.  The trick is to know ourselves well enough to define our relationships, rather than let those relationships define us.

Shakespeare wrote: “This above all: To thine own self be true,” but first we should look to the Greeks: “Know thyself.”  Or maybe we should just stick to Abbot and Costello.

I need more Lil Jon in my life

I heard this quote recently:

“There are to kinds of politicians: ones who try to say Yes, and ones that try to say No.”

In my experience it’s not just politicians who are that way.  The epiphany I had recently was that there are a lot of people around me who try to say no.

I’ve always believed that there will always be myriad reasons to say no to something, but the only reason that counts is the simplest: I don’t want to.  The opposite of that is true, too: The only reason to say yes to something is because you want to.  The latter half of my epiphany is that I am an idea guy; I thrive on enthusiasm of people who want to say yes, and the desire to give something the old college try.

Case in point:  the other day at rehearsal, we were working on a scene that involved an actor backlit against a screen.  The scene was simply that actor looking at butterflies, well puppets of butterflies, and the trouble was trying to get the actor to manipulate the puppet butterflies, but also play the scene.  So I suggested that our backstage crewmember operate the puppet and the actor’s hands would be free to be in the silhouette.

“No, she’ll be seen.”

“She’ll have to be right up against [the actor].”

“The [puppet] wires aren’t long enough.”

Ok, granted, I didn’t fight for my idea because, after all, it’s the director’s call.  But after trying to make their initial idea work, they ended up having the backstage crewmember operate the puppet from offstage, and it’s in the show.

Initially, I couldn’t help but feel like I should get some sort of credit for my idea, but that’s just vanity.  While being shouted down so quickly was a body shot to the ol’ ego, it did help me realize that I have some valid contributions to offer and I shouldn’t be shy about speaking up.

We’ve heard it all before:  You’ll never know until you try.  Every 12 year old kid has heard this from a parent.  So what has us looking into our crystal ball and seeing how we think something will turn out?  Life experience, I guess.

We like to think we know some things.  We seem to have this desire to be able to see all the way to  the emerald city before we even set foot on the yellow brick road.  Maybe it’s cliche to say, even at this point, that every journey begins with one step.  So when its something simple like, “Can you just admit that I have every right to feel the way I do?” there’s a fork in the road.  The side that starts with, “What good will that do?” is the dead end.  The other side is the side that says, “Ok, I’ll take a sec to slip on your Chuck Taylor’s and walk around for a bit.”  That’s the side that leads to the emerald city, even though it might not have been apparent at that first step.  And yet, there are some of us out there who need to be able to see all the way down to the finish line before they even start.  These people are not marathon runners.  They’re not in it for the long haul.  They are sprinters who would rather win the battle than the war.

Being surprised is one of the joys of life.  Ok, some people don’t like surprises, but everyone has had something unexpected happen to them, I don’t care who you are.  We plan and we plan, sometimes to a T.  Then one thing happens and the game is changed completely.  In fact, surprises are the only thing in life you can count on.  So why not poke around a bit?

If you ask the typical person on the street what their plan was 10 years ago, I’d bet the vast majority would say that they never thought they’d be exactly where they are now.  All that is a product of trying new things and making the best of surprising situations, saying yes and going with the flow.

The way I see it is like this:  Each time you create a No for yourself you draw a line in the sand.  And one day you wake up, and you’re completely boxed in.

And if you’re only as good as the company you keep, then you get to choose.  And, for my money, I’d like to have more people around me who try to say Yes.

Post Hoc Ergo Propter Hoc

God is Love.
Love is Blind.
Stevie Wonder is Blind.
Therefore:
Stevie Wonder is God.

For all you non-dead-language-speakers, post hoc ergo propter hoc is Latin for: after this, therefore because of this.  It sounds like it’s one of those old timey proverbs that seem to make sense, especially since it’s in Latin.  The problem is that it’s almost never true in real life.

Here’s an example:  My roommate and I are both actors.  Last spring, we auditioned together for a show.  Neither of us were cast in the show.  So since then, we’ve said, “we better not audition together because neither of us will get the job.”

This is the equation for a lot of superstitions.  I was wearing this tie when I interviewed for the job I got, so this is my lucky tie.  I ordered this sandwich before we won the big game, so I should eat that sandwich before every game.  I paid down all my debt before the New Year, and I ended up making a lot of money that year, so I just need to pay off all my debts and I’ll have a prosperous year.

I’m bringing it up because it’s popped up in my life a few times lately and I thought it might do me some good to let the universe know, via blog, that I can take the hint.

It makes you feel good.  It makes you feel like you’re working toward something.  You feel productive.  But it can distract you from the really important stuff too.  As long as my roommate and I don’t audition together, I have a shot at getting cast.  OR, I could go to my voice lessons, and work on my scripts and be prepared for the audition.  Asking my roommate what time he’s auditioning is easier.

My girlfriend has been marveling at her tan legs lately.  I like her tan legs too, don’t get me wrong, but it’s possible that I just like her legs, but I digress.  She’s convinced that exposure to the sun will give her wrinkles, so she’s particularly careful about letting the sun shine on her face and hands.  That’s the other side of post hoc ergo propter hoc:  If I know this came after that, and If I want to avoid that from happening, I should avoid this.

So you start noticing overweight people eating ice cream and you cross that off the list.  Some friends got married, then divorced a few years later?  Cross marriage off the list.  You tell some friends that you were up for a big promotion at work, and you don’t get it.  I guess talking to your friends is off the list, too.  Pretty soon, you’re not living your own life.  You’re afraid of everything.

I remember back to the week I had a chance to go to Tibet.  The memory that sticks with me is how our guide, a man whose name escapes me, would smile like a Cheshire cat.  It would beam throughout our tour bus.  He had wrinkles, but his wrinkles told a story of happiness and joyful times in the company of friends.  And if that’s what I have to look forward to as I get older, I say bring on the wrinkles.  I’d venture to guess that, for the most part, it’s not exclusively the sun or the lack of skin cream that gives us wrinkles, it’s just a natural part of getting older.  But wouldn’t you want the lines on your face to be caused by joy rather than worry?  In truth, I’d rather have the inevitable wrinkles on my face come from living life to it’s fullest, instead of from trying desperately to to stop dead in my tracks before crossing some line drawn by someone else.

As I’ve been tempted to get myself into better shape, I looked online at diet pills recently.  Not my finest moments, but definitely frought with post hoc ergo propter Hoc mentality.  “Jimbo used to be this big, but after taking these pills he dropped 10 pant sizes!”  It made me think back to my Alcohol Awareness class that they make all the servers take.  The only thing that can sober a person up is time.  You have to put in the time.

So I’m going to the gym.  I’m putting in the time and hoping that in a little while I’ll see the fruits of my labor.  It’s frustrating for now, but hopefully that’ll go away soon.  I stepped on the scale today and saw that I gained weight.  For now, I’m going to believe that since muscles weigh more than fat, I’m packing on the muscles and the fat will melt off eventually.  But who knows?