In the immortal words of George Michael…

I don’t consider myself a highly religious person per se, but I have always had a strong sense of faith.  All that “everything works out for the best” kinda thinking, or even the age old “everything happens for a reason.”  I’m working on a show right now that’s all about faith.  Not so much about faith in the religious sense, although that’s there too, but more pointedly about having faith in the people in your inner circle.

Anyone who has been around me the last few weeks has undoubtedly heard me say, “I’m really broke right now.”  Not a particularly uncommon phrase in the world of an actor, but this is the longest streak that I’ve been relegated to gas station hot dogs and mysteriously old canned or dried food from my pantry.  I haven’t seen a busy day at the BGSC all summer (which is when it’s supposed to be busy), I was supposed to teach a handful of classes that ended up getting canceled.  Ok, so we all know that the economy is floating around in the septic tank, so I shouldn’t need to underline my point.  I had to borrow money from my parents to cover my rent for next month because I don’t get paid at the theater until 2 days after my rent is due.  And lemme just say that I HATE borrowing money from my parents.  Not only did they do more than raise an eyebrow at the prospect of me becoming an actor (read: poor), but I just feel that I haven’t exhibited the best discipline when it comes to my bank account lately.

Add that to the stress of learning a 90 minute show–all the songs and dances–in under 2 weeks (I’m sure that the theater is not immune to the current economy either), and trying to find a job where I’m not having to deal with people who have to decide between paying their own bills and leaving me a decent tip.

My faith has taken a significant beat-down.

Well, after almost 2 weeks, the director said that this show is “blessed” and we’re in good shape to go into tech (despite my being horribly insecure about my dancing and singing in the show), I got an email about a potential job teaching a residency in schools that should last the rest of the school year, and when I got home today a check was waiting for me in my mailbox.  That’s right keeds.  Not a bill, a check.

I did a photoshoot for a local company’s sales catalog back in August and thought that somehow, in the flurry of activity and trying to keep my head above water, I had gotten paid for the shoot already.  Going through my paystubs for my own record keeping, I didn’t find the stub for this job and figured I’d lost it.  Well, that’s the check that just came in today’s mail.

So today, I exhale.  I’m not out of the woods yet… although, my parents are definitely getting their check back.  But not only am I relieved, I am disappointed in my lack of faith, these last few weeks, that everything will turn out well.  I’ve been thinking about the book of Job in the bible, where God gives permission to Satan to test Job’s faith.  And Satan puts the major hurt on Job.  I’m talkin’ killed his kids, covered him with boils kinda hurt.  Throughout that book, Job exhibits extraordinary faith and acceptance of his situation.  So Job was a better man than me.  I doubt I’ll ever have storytellers telling my epic tale, but that doesn’t mean it isn’t something to shoot for.

Wham might have had unfortunate costume choices in their videos, but that George Michael knew what he was talking about.

“The best thing one can do when it’s raining is to let it rain,” -Longfellow

It’s raining today.

As I drove down Hennepin Av to the tea place, I saw this person in a parked car open their door just enough to shove their umbrella through. The door closed on the umbrella before it could open and the person struggled with it, trying to find a way to free up the umbrella without opening the door the whole way.

When I was little, the whole topic of Acid Rain came up. I always imagined it like the plagues in the Ten Commandments where Yul Brynner is the BA Pharaoh standing out on the balcony when the hail falls and starts burning stuff. I thought Acid Rain was gonna fall from the sky and start dissolving buildings an burning holes in people clothes.

I can understand it to a point. You don’t wanna get wet, that’s fine. You might catch cold. After all, Zuzu caught a cold just because she walked home without buttoning up her coat. So I get it. I don’t like wet socks cuz that often means cold wet feet. But barring some highly acidic rain burning a hole in your skull, the rain’s not so bad, is it? Is it really worth spending the extra time struggling with your umbrella against your car door instead of just opening the door and risking getting hit with a few droplets of water? You don’t see too many woodland creatures fashioning umbrellas from maple leaves, do you?

Rain is a necessity. Plants get greener, dust and dirt washes away. It’s like a baptism. In the bible, the Acts of the Apostles talks about baptism as washing away one’s sins. A renewing of life.

Thich Nhat Hahn’s book Living Buddha, Living Christ talks about a farmer who prays for rain while some picnickers who pray for a sunny day. The question becomes: who’s prayer does god answer? Does god value one over another? People, myself included, seem disappointed when it’s rainy. Rain is talked about as something that ruins outdoor plans. Then the drought hits and people start talking about how we need rain. It cools things down, it becomes a welcome change, a break in the tedium of the ordinary.

Is it simply wanting what we can’t have? How can we learn to appreciate the balance of the natural world without waiting until the situation is dire?

Looks like I’ve taken the off ramp to tangent-town.

What I’ve been wondering is: Do we make our lives more difficult by struggling against the natural flow of things? Obviously, this person in their car could have been out and on their way if they weren’t so worried about getting hit with a few drops of water before they opened their umbrella. Maybe the 10 seconds it took didn’t really matter that much to them. But for my money, the rain drops on my clothes will eventually dry and I’ll be 10 seconds ahead of schedule. It’s a small thing, but things add up. Sometimes accepting the way the world works means getting out of our own way, releasing our kung fu grip on what we might want, and allowing life to happen.

“In the future… every year…on the day that I am… resurrected, please… paint eggs…”

Fast Food. Soda. Coffee. Alcohol. Sex.

I gave up this stuff for Lent. [Feel free to refer back to a previous blog post entitled Shakabuku.] I realized after the fact that these are all things that I’ve used, at some point in my adult life, as mood regulators. One of my other Catholic friends, when she found out I was gonna give this a try, told me that she’d rather do something productive like volunteer or donate to a charity than give something up. But what I learned through this process is that this is about introspection, not necessarily about doing anything. It’s an opportunity to improve yourself in a way that prepares you for the future. While I was going through a particularly tough time being newly single, a friend gave me this quote: “Instead of trying to find someone, I’m going to make myself a better person to be found.” It’s about doing less. Becoming quiet, and learning the difference between need and want.

I learned that these things are luxuries, excessive, superfluous. I’ve even lost some fat (not necessarily weight, I think I’m gaining muscle), probably because I’ve been eating better coupled with the extra time at the gym trying to work off the sexual frustration. But either way, I’m a better person for it.

Another friend of mine is very excited to have ice cream today. I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever visit the drive thru at Wendy’s again, or indulge in a Turtle Mocha from Caribou Coffee (they don’t have Caribou in California), but for now, let’s just see how long this lasts. Maybe I’ll wait to make love to my wife. And maybe the bad memories (and pictures) of the drunken nights, being carried out of bars, and ending up in strangers’ beds are enough to keep me off the sauce from now on. If the last 40 days are a step in the right direction, I’m curious to see what the next step might be.

I don’t know my own strength.

When I started this spiritual quest, I knew that I would have to learn to get out of my own way.  Stop over-thinking, over-analyzing and be more present to what’s happening in front of my face.  I knew this would be a tough mountain to climb, but reaching that precipice would be worth it.

 The problem is that I’m too damn strong.  My mind is like Baron von Raschke’s Claw, it grabs hold and won’t let go.  All the fears, doubts, uncertainties and insecurities are furry little farm creatures, and I’m Lennie.

 I don’t want these things to rule my life, which is what this whole thing is about anyway.  But old habits die hard.  How, after all these years of living within my so-called comfort zone, can I just let go?  Could it be that after a couple decades of roaming around this earth I’ve grown accustomed to the very pain that I’m now trying to escape?  I’ve become comfortable in a constant state of discomfort.

 Well, I guess it’s about time to go freak myself out again.

Shakabuku

Shakabuku–
A swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever. (from the movie Gross Point Blank)
A Japanese Buddhist term that means breaking/subduing, often related to liberating or awakening.

You guys may or may not know that I briefly considered joining the St. John’s Monastery. I’ve gone to Catholic schools my whole life, and when I was in 2nd grade, for my first communion I got this children’s bible that I’d read every night before I went to bed. I think at one point my parents thought I might become a priest.

Today is Ash Wednesday. I usually don’t celebrate it, but I couldn’t help but think that all the hype surrounding supertuesday and Mardi Gras might be a message from God. Tomorrow’s also the Lunar New Year… More notably known as Chinese New Year or Tet in Vietnamese. And with 2008 breezing by I can’t help but be a little bit introspective lately.

Maybe that’s what this sojourn in California was meant to be for me, an opportunity to redefine my path in life.

When I was little, we would choose something to give up during Lent. It was our Lenten Resolution, which was a symbolic gesture that was meant to teach us kids about sacrifice. It was usually giving up candy or junk food or donating a part of our allowance to charity. I don’t remember the last time I made a Lenten resolution, but this year, I think I’m gonna go old school and give up a couple of things for lent:

Fast Food
Soda
Coffee
Alcohol
Sex (which is not really sacrificing anything, this one’s more about maintaining the status quo)

I haven’t gone to church regularly since college. That’s almost 7 years. Initially, I took a step away from God because I feel like too many horrible things have been done in the name of God. But as I’ve grown up, I’ve studied some philosophy, some other religions, and learned some things. And now I’m realizing that what and how I believe is a product of my questioning and not letting myself take what other people believe on spec. Bruce Lee said, “Truth is not found in a book. Furthermore, such a book merely presents a barrier to progress in your search for truth. Independent inquiry is needed in your search for truth, not dependence on anyone else’s view or a mere book.”

There’s a story/parable that I first heard on The West Wing then later in the Pursuit of Happyness that pretty much sums up my concept of God:

A man lived by a river, one day he hears on the radio that the river was about to overflow and flood the town. The townspeople were ordered to evacuate but being a religious man he refused, saying, “I am a religious man. I pray. God loves me and God will save me.” The river started to overflow and a man in a rowboat came over and said to the religious man, “Get on board and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man replied, “I am a religious man. I pray. God loves me and God will save me.” Next, a guy in a helicopter flies by and the guy shouts down with a megaphone, “I’ll throw down a ladder and take you to safety.” But the man refuses, saying, “I’m a religious man. I pray. God loves me and God will save me.” So the man drowned. And when he got to the pearly gates, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man, I prayed, I thought you loved me. How could you let this happen?” And God said, “I sent you a radio report, a man in a rowboat, and man in a helicopter. What the hell are you doing here?”

So here I am, at the beginning of a vision quest. I’m gonna take the next forty days and forty nights and work on getting out of my own way and having faith in the world around me. With the year of the Pig behind me and the year of the Rat on the horizon, it’ll be good to have a chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. And, hopefully, eventually I’ll know how to see what’s really there. Because I really believe that it’s all there in front of all of us, I just don’t know how to see it yet.