A Quick Note About Fartclouds

Have you ever farted as you’re sitting down to go #2 and you end up sitting into your own fartcloud?

Yeah, I hate that.

What am I forgetting?

There’s a Chinese proverb that goes: The nail that sticks up will be hammered down.

This is pretty characteristic of most collectivist cultures. I was raised to not be different, not ruffle any feathers, not stand out. The problem was that I did stand out. I’ve been the only chip in the cookie for most of my life. Still, I feel this impulse to sometimes make myself invisible in plain sight. I hide. I bite my tongue. I strive for mediocrity. I run to the middle and become this overly agreeable yes-man. My sad attempts at individuality manifest themselves in t-shirts with pithy sayings on them and a spikey mohawk. That’s all I’ll allow myself. I check my opinion–and personality–at the door.

And how is that going for me? It sucks. I become forgettable. Easily marginalized. That guy with the funny name. The Asian kid. I get cheated on by the women I’m dating, and ignored by the friends who are busy. Ok, those are worst case scenarios, but I’m underlining my point here. And the point is: I AM NOT EASILY FORGETTABLE…despite my own attempts to the contrary.

In my very limited exposure I’ve had to the Michael Chekhov Acting Technique, there are a few things I’ve learned: Love and Hate are not polar opposites.  The 2 opposing forces at work within each of us are Love and Fear. Love has an expansive quality, bright and warm. Fear has a diminishing quality, dark and cold.  In my attempts at being a phantom, disappearing into the crowd, I am subscribing to the latter.  So now the question becomes, what am I afraid of?

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.” -Marianne Williamson

This quote (often mistakenly attributed to Nelson Mandela) reminds me, at its most basic level, that our perspective can make all the difference.  You can choose to see yourself as having nothing to offer, or you can choose to see yourself as being able to move mountains.  Either way, you might still be a punkass that’s too scared to be who you truly are.  But I like to see potential.

Last year, a guy by the name of Chase Korte was killed by a drunk driver. I didn’t know him personally, but he was well known in the local theater community and we had lots of mutual friends. I was working on a show at the time when one day, half of the cast was gone at his memorial service. That was the first time I’d ever heard his name.

I don’t remember when I actually read this essay for the first time, but it was being circulated via email a while back and has been posted on a handful of blogs and I think it’s more than applicable here.

The Last Thing I Want To Be Is Forgettable

“I have to admit when I first walked in the X (Experimental Theatre at the University of Minnesota) last Monday, I was a little leery. For some reason, I knew right away we were going to get in a circle and hold hands. Not that I’m opposed to that sort of thing, or anything, I just need a little time to warm up. It’s not always easy for me to embrace new things. In fact, that is one of the things that I like about theatre: the perpetual challenge, the ongoing dare, the prodding, the danger, the cliff. In a way I like that it is not easy … and then, my fears were of course realized, and I was holding hands with people I didn’t know and there was this profoundly sensitive man asking us to reveal to the group something that mattered to us. My heart started to pound. What was I going to say? Should I make something up? No, I’m not a very good liar (and I call myself an actor!). Should I say something that kind of matters to me, perhaps I could say something general, like the election and just sort of fudge my answer a bit so that everybody just nods in agreement (like, say something that everybody is supposed to care about) and then my turn would be over, and yes, I won’t stand out, but this time that would be a good thing. I could blend in and be forgettable.

No. That’s not me. The last thing I want to be is forgettable.

So, right there I decided. I am going to try this. I’ll say what’s really on my mind. [expletive] it. These people wil know, but there’s no freedom unless you’re vulnerable first. So, I did it. Then I turned a corner. I realized that sharing something intimate or important to me or something that really matters to me doesn’t necessarily have to be anything sexual or a profound weakness of mine or anything like that, it just needs to matter enough that I need to share it.”

- Chase Korte

Chase is right.  Fuck it.  I have something to say.

Cloverfield

Maybe I’m in a mood. Well, I haven’t had a good night’s sleep in a couple of days, so that’s an understatement. I got the movie Cloverfield from my netflix and I gotta say… I like it. I liked it in an unexpected way. It’s a Monster eats New York, blood and guts disaster kinda movie shot through the eyes of one of the characters taking a shaky home video a la the Blair Witch. I’m sure it’s easy to just stop there and ask yourselves, “Aren’t these the same guys who made Felicity?” And the answer is yes.

Again, maybe I’m in a mood, but I didn’t stop there (I’m not afraid to admit that I watched Felicity pretty religiously since it coincided with my college years, and the girls on that show were a lot hotter than most of the girls I went to school with). I’m sure that some people saw it for the Sci-fi alien, special FX driven movie that it was. If you wanna get uppity, we can discuss the implications of how the first-person shooting concept, that made some theaters need to hand out barf bags at each showing, was ground-breaking and an interesting visual vocabulary. I think all of this stuff is just fine and dandy, but what I want to talk about is how this movie with its CG and virtually unknown cast got me thinking about life, love, and priorities. Don’t get me wrong, I totally geeked out at the effects, and I did think that the visual style of the movie was an interesting way of personalizing the scope and breadth of what could otherwise have become a big budget monster movie (read: boring).

If you’ll allow me to mix my sci-fi here, there’s an episode of Firefly that references a fictional chinese poet named Shan Yu, who wrote: “Live with a man 40 years. Share his house, his meals. Speak on every subject. Then tie him up, and hold him over the volcano’s edge. And on that day, you will finally meet the man.”

As you follow this group of people making their way through the streets of New York, the stress of their situation sets in and you start to see what’s truly important to them and the lengths to which they’ll go for one another. One of them in particular, Rob, who is hell bent on walking 40 or 50 blocks to make sure the girl he’s in love with is ok. It’s cheezy, yes, but love will do that to you.

The philosopher Schopenhauer wrote that “in the tragic catastrophe we turn away from the will to life itself.” It’s suggested that witnessing this catastrophe can ultimately be liberating for us because we reach a state where we are no longer attached to our suffering and that leads to a sublime perception of the world. A state that is compared to the Buddhist concept of Nirvana or enlightenment.

I’m sure that the philosophy nerds out there will tell me I’m misquoting Schopenhauer, but I like to think that in those moments when we suspend our will to life, we put our own welfare aside and our potential becomes limitless. And if not, at the bare minimum we learn what’s really #1 on our list of priorities.

I used to think that it was pretty morbid of me to wonder how I’d feel at the moment before I died. The age old ‘what if you only had one day to live’ thing. Would I have regrets that I didn’t say what I should have said or do what I could have done? Well, maybe I’ll never know what my true priorities are til I’m going toward the bright white light… but at least I’m thinking about them now, and I hope that it won’t take a monster eating half of Minneapolis for me to figure them out.

So a guy goes into a doctor’s office with a duck on his head…

My parents are really into Deal or No Deal, that game show with Howie Mandel and the models with the suitcases.  You know what I’m talking about, right?  The contestant selects a case that they don’t get to open until the end, then proceeds to open all the other cases one by one.  The object is to try and figure out if they picked a case that has a million dollars in it or one that has one cent in it.  Anyway, if you don’t know what I’m talking about I’m sure there’s a website that explains the game better than I can.

The thing I don’t get about this game is that the truth inside the case doesn’t change, it’s the contestant’s perception about the truth in the case that jumps all around the room from euphoria to disappointment.  I guess that’s the point.  But let me put it to you this way:

If you went to the doctor and the doctor told you you had a terrible illness that you’ve had since birth, how would that knowledge affect you?  What if your doc says you’ll live out the rest of your days and the illness may or may not affect your life?  You’ve had it all along, lived your life blissfully ignorant to it, and now, suddenly, you know it’s there.  It has the power to change your perception toward your whole existence.

There’s a line from a play called “Growing Up Scarred” that stuck with me ever since my high school did it for a one act play festival:  “There’s a difference between solitude and loneliness.  Solitude is being alone.  And loneliness is the knowledge that you’re alone.”   I like to think of loneliness as a perception that I’m alone.   The truth might be that I am, in fact, solitary.  But there’s an equal chance that I am surrounded by people yet fail to see the people around me who are holding me up.

I’m not saying ignorance is bliss.  Knowledge is power in my book.  I read somewhere that at some point in Japanese history (correct me if I’m wrong here), if you contracted a terminal illness your doctor would tell your family and possibly close friends, but not you.  The patient would live out their last short days never knowing that they were his or her last.  That way, they thought, the patient could be at peace in their last days.

I’d like to believe that if my doc told me I had 6 months to live, that I wouldn’t change anything in my life.  But the reality is that I could walk out my door tomorrow and the sky could fall right on my noggin.  And that would be the end of me.  Would I have regrets?  Probably.  So why not start living, not in fear that I might die, but as if today is the only day that I have to really live?

I’m morphing in love with you.

We fall asleep, fall silent, fall ill, we have falling outs, fall for a practical joke,

…and we fall in love.

Why don’t we ever levitate in love, or float in love, or rise in love? How about wallowing in love, or transforming, sojourning, mutating, melting, collapsing, originating, or embarking?

Fall (v.): (various definitions selected from dictionary.com)
-to drop or descend under the force of gravity, as to a lower place through loss or lack of support.
-to become less or lower; become of a lower level, degree, amount, quality, value, number, etc.; decline
-to succumb to temptation or sin, esp. to become unchaste or to lose one’s innocence.
-to be overthrown, as a government.
-to drop down wounded or dead, esp. to be slain: to fall in battle.
-To come to rest; settle.
-To undergo conquest or capture, especially as the result of an armed attack

Just imagine: “Honey, I’m involuntarily descending in love with you.” Every girl’s dream.

Maybe we submit to the onslaught that love brings, and finally it overthrows us. Either way it sounds as if it happens to us and we have no way of stopping it or controlling it. Like gravity. Gravity happens.

Most people don’t plan on falling. In fact, most people avoid falling at all costs. Especially the elderly. But when you’re young you fall, get back up and keep going. A few bumps and bruises are good for ya. Gives you character. It’s unexpected. Suddenly, you’re rushing toward the ground and you don’t know what’s gonna happen.

The act of falling buys us time. Especially for guys who might not want to scare away a great girl. “I’m falling for you” is much less definitive than, “I love you.” It just might be noncommittal enough to take the edge off. But for my money, they’re pretty much the same thing. My acting teacher said in class that, “People fall in love in an instant. Then comes denial.”

Love is one of those things that everybody’s got a pithy quote or poignant-sounding saying about. My high school religion teacher, Mr. Miller, was famous for his: Love is not a feeling, it’s a decision to give of one’s self for the betterment of another. He made us memorize it. The movie Dan in Real Life posits that “Love is not a feeling, it’s an ability.” The greeks believed there were a few different kinds of love: Eros, Philia, Agape are a couple major ones. Bruce Lee threw his hat into the ring with, “Love is like a friendship caught on fire. In the beginning a flame, very pretty, often hot and fierce, but still only light and flickering. As love grows older, our hearts mature and our love becomes as coals, deep-burning and unquenchable.”

My two cents are as follows: Love is like light. If I remember my high school physics, light is neither a wave nor a particle. It has properties of both. It’s possible that love is both an action and a feeling. Maybe Bruce and the Greeks are right, there are stages to it. It’s more a process than a be all/end all. Whether love is a feeling is questionable, but love certainly evokes a feeling. We might choose to continue in love, but we begin in love seemingly uncontrollably. We fall.

Kick his ass, Seabass!

Scientists are teaching seabass to net themselves. It’s based on pavlovian conditioning where the scientists place food in a feeding zone with a small opening, play a tone that signals feeding time, and the fish respond by going into the feeding zone. After the fish are taught to respond on cue, they will release them into the wild, let them get all big and fat, continuing to feed them in a similar feeding zone to see how many respond to the tone.

It makes me wonder what we’ve been conditioned to do. Some people realize when they’re being rewarded for bad behavior, but I’m guessing most people don’t. Personally, I loathe the idea that someone could get me to do whatever they wanted just because I’m scientifically programmed to respond to some random stimulus. But then again, I’m catholic, and when people say “Peace be with you,” there’s only really one response: “And also with you.”

Socrates said, “An unexamined life is not worth living.” We are creatures of instinct, but I think what sets us apart from our furry little brothers and sisters is that we’re capable of examining our lives, not just living by instinct alone. I should have been conditioned by now to know that the next girl I fall for will inevitably end up cheating on me and breaking my heart, but here I am getting all warm and gooey over a girl who’s the best thing since sliced bread. I can do this because I have the capacity to know that the only way to find out if I can fly is to leap and hope.

Our instincts, though they are built to protect us, can sometimes keep us from really achieving something amazing in our lives. We end up like a bunch of seabass swimming into a net just because someone played a tone.

Shakabuku

Shakabuku–
A swift spiritual kick to the head that alters your reality forever. (from the movie Gross Point Blank)
A Japanese Buddhist term that means breaking/subduing, often related to liberating or awakening.

You guys may or may not know that I briefly considered joining the St. John’s Monastery. I’ve gone to Catholic schools my whole life, and when I was in 2nd grade, for my first communion I got this children’s bible that I’d read every night before I went to bed. I think at one point my parents thought I might become a priest.

Today is Ash Wednesday. I usually don’t celebrate it, but I couldn’t help but think that all the hype surrounding supertuesday and Mardi Gras might be a message from God. Tomorrow’s also the Lunar New Year… More notably known as Chinese New Year or Tet in Vietnamese. And with 2008 breezing by I can’t help but be a little bit introspective lately.

Maybe that’s what this sojourn in California was meant to be for me, an opportunity to redefine my path in life.

When I was little, we would choose something to give up during Lent. It was our Lenten Resolution, which was a symbolic gesture that was meant to teach us kids about sacrifice. It was usually giving up candy or junk food or donating a part of our allowance to charity. I don’t remember the last time I made a Lenten resolution, but this year, I think I’m gonna go old school and give up a couple of things for lent:

Fast Food
Soda
Coffee
Alcohol
Sex (which is not really sacrificing anything, this one’s more about maintaining the status quo)

I haven’t gone to church regularly since college. That’s almost 7 years. Initially, I took a step away from God because I feel like too many horrible things have been done in the name of God. But as I’ve grown up, I’ve studied some philosophy, some other religions, and learned some things. And now I’m realizing that what and how I believe is a product of my questioning and not letting myself take what other people believe on spec. Bruce Lee said, “Truth is not found in a book. Furthermore, such a book merely presents a barrier to progress in your search for truth. Independent inquiry is needed in your search for truth, not dependence on anyone else’s view or a mere book.”

There’s a story/parable that I first heard on The West Wing then later in the Pursuit of Happyness that pretty much sums up my concept of God:

A man lived by a river, one day he hears on the radio that the river was about to overflow and flood the town. The townspeople were ordered to evacuate but being a religious man he refused, saying, “I am a religious man. I pray. God loves me and God will save me.” The river started to overflow and a man in a rowboat came over and said to the religious man, “Get on board and I’ll take you to safety.” But the man replied, “I am a religious man. I pray. God loves me and God will save me.” Next, a guy in a helicopter flies by and the guy shouts down with a megaphone, “I’ll throw down a ladder and take you to safety.” But the man refuses, saying, “I’m a religious man. I pray. God loves me and God will save me.” So the man drowned. And when he got to the pearly gates, he demanded an audience with God. “Lord,” he said, “I’m a religious man, I prayed, I thought you loved me. How could you let this happen?” And God said, “I sent you a radio report, a man in a rowboat, and man in a helicopter. What the hell are you doing here?”

So here I am, at the beginning of a vision quest. I’m gonna take the next forty days and forty nights and work on getting out of my own way and having faith in the world around me. With the year of the Pig behind me and the year of the Rat on the horizon, it’ll be good to have a chance to wipe the slate clean and start fresh. And, hopefully, eventually I’ll know how to see what’s really there. Because I really believe that it’s all there in front of all of us, I just don’t know how to see it yet.