Wily Filipino Blogger Believed to Date Attractive Women

Internet blogger, Wile E. Filipino, is believed to date attractive women, sources say.  This, coming after the stunning revelation that several of his former girlfriends had been asked out on dates while they were still in a relationship with Filipino.  “I usually take it as a compliment,” said Filipino, “except for those times when they actually did run off with the guy who was flirting with them.  Yeah, that kinda sucked.”

One particular ex-girlfriend, who chose to remain anonymous, relayed the following story:

We were at this club with some friends and this one guy kept hitting on me at the dance floor.  I kept looking over at [Wile E. Filipino] and he was just smiling.  Later on, I asked him why he didn’t do anything and he just laughed and said, “It looked like you were doing fine.  If you wanna go out with that guy instead of me, go ahead.”

Another former girlfriend admitted that she actively chose not to tell Filipino when other men would ask her out, citing that she thought that “his face would turn red thermometer style, and smoke would shoot out his ears.”  When asked about this, Filipino replied, “As long as the story ends with ‘and then I shot him down,’ then I’m fine.  I’m a big boy, I can handle the truth.”

There was a time when Filipino went through what many of his friends have come to refer to as his “Ugly Girl Phase,” where he dated women he wasn’t physically attracted to after a particularly attractive woman cheated on him.  Friends close to Filipino reported that this phase was short-lived since, according to one friend, he makes “even ugly girls feel beautiful, so they end up dumping him as soon as other guys start paying more attention to them.”

Said another friend, “Man, I’m glad he got out of that phase quickly.  Don’t get me wrong, they all had nice personalities, but that’s the only way any of us would ever describe them, and that’s never a good way to describe someone, you know what I’m sayin’?  He needed to learn that a girl can speak in coherent sentences about their interesting experiences and be hot at the same time.”

Filipino, who has admitted to having trust issues because of past infidelities, recognizes that while he may have some insecurities, he’s not as bad as some guys.  “I know someone whose husband won’t let her got to the beach because he thinks she might get hit on.”  He notes.  “Even though I’ve never met him, I can tell that guy’s a douche.  I mean, come on, what’s he afraid of?  Besides, he thought she was attractive, why wouldn’t anyone else?  It sounds to me like that guy doesn’t even trust his own wife.  I assume the women I date will get hit on.  They’re attractive women.  What they choose to do after they get hit on is up to them.”

Down Time at Area Restaurant Leads to Prolonged Study into Windmills

Bloomington, MN

A server and a host from the Bubba Gump Shrimp Company spent “entirely too much time” watching a boy windmill his arms as fast as he could, sources say.  The boy, whose mother was searching for a store on the Mall of America directory near the third floor entrance to Bloomingdales, began windmilling his right arm before moving on to his left.

“Oh, you missed it.  He was really going for a while.” BGSC host, “Ken-Ken Light-Skin” Dawson, reportedly commented as server Wile E. Filipino approached.

Since Labor Day the mall has been experiencing less foot traffic than in previous months, a common occurrance when many teens and young adults return to school.  This year, however, has been the slowest of the previous 4 years, according to mall regulars.

“I’m sure this isn’t an isolated incident.” Chap Poach of mall security alleges, “We’ve been on the alert for several weeks now.  It’s not uncommon for the employees of the stores within the mall to have a hard time adjusting to the sudden shifts in attendence.  We’ve grown accustomed to the high levels of zoning out and slack-jawed staring that is likely to be taking place even…NOW.”

The boy, allegedly, continued windmilling his arms as fast as he could for an unknown length of time.  What is known is that he eventually became bored with that and moved on to pushing the buttons on the customer service telephone adjacent to the mall directory.

Several reports state that Filipino then said, “Remember when you were a kid and doing [expletive] like that was fun?”

Mall security has shifted their alert status to Burnt Sienna.

Recent job application reveals friends’ vocabulary larger than expected

22 April 2008
Minneapolis, MN

Online blogger Wile E. Filipino discovered, early Tuesday morning, that several of his friends have vocabularies larger than he had originally suspected. While filling out a job application for a local radio station’s summer promotional staff, he was asked to provide three words that his co-workers or classmates would use to describe him.

“I just went blank.” Said Filipino. “I tried to come up with words that I thought my friends would use to describe me, but that pretty much sucked. So I figured I should just find out.”

And find out he did. He sent text messages to several friends and co-workers asking for three words they would use to describe him. Within seconds, his phone was buzzing with the excitement of an inbox full of three-word replies.

“It was cool. It started out pretty standard, then a couple of the words that came up made me go, ‘wait… do they even know what that means?’ What, are they carrying around dictionaries or something?” Filipino said, noting that thesauri were also a possibility.

Many of Filipino’s co-workers are college students and may have quick access to dictionaries, thesauri and other verbal reference material.

The following is a complete list of responses:

Compassionate
Loyal
Fun-loving
Creative (2)
Energetic
Wholesome
Friendly
Hardworking
Helpful
Charming
Appreciative
Patient
Arousing
Omnipotent
Eccentric
Smells like fresh lilacs
Determined (2)
Respectful
Pleasant
Dedicated (2)
Fun
Considerate
Prodigious
Phenomenal
Exhilarating
Hot Hot Hot
Reliable (2)
Thoughtful
Vibrant
Responsible
Congenial
Sexy
Romantic
Quirky
Upbeat
Attentive
Dependable

In reaction, Filipino said, “well, at least no one said ‘nice’.”

White Guys Honor Wile E. Filipino with Lifetime Acheivement Award

Nov/Dec 2007

Late last week, Wile E. Filipino was given the Nathan Bedford Forrest Lifetime Achievement Award from the Foundation for UnColored Representation in Society for his work in helping white guys get girlfriends.

“I know it’s cliché, but it’s just such an honor to be nominated.” Filipino said during a press conference Saturday.

Unlike the 2005 winners, Will Smith and the makers of the movie “Hitch,” or the 1991 winners Dan Stock and Bob Truax, the makers of Zubaz, Filipino has a resume dating back to the Mid-1990s. Described as “unassuming” in his early high school years, many still consider Filipino to be a pretty inconspicuous, which has undoubtedly led to his unique process for hooking up white guys.

“I discovered I had this talent during high school.” Said Filipino. “Really, I just stumbled upon it. I mean, the first time a girl cheats on you can be a hard thing to deal with, but after you realize the big picture, that you’re helping other guys get laid, you begin to take pride in your work.”

There was one snag along the way, where one of Wile E. Filipino’s high school girlfriends ended up with another Filipino, a development that was noted and later forgiven by the FUCRS citing the obvious volume of the rest of his work. A petition to place an asterisk next to Filipino’s name in the official registry and in the Hall of FUCRS is currently being circulated.

The FUCRS highlighted the work Filipino did during his college years as a Great Leap Forward in the movement for white guy dating empowerment. During a two-and-a-half year relationship, Filipino was cheated on by a woman whose family warned her against the trials and tribulations of potentially having “darker skinned children.” Despite the noticeable step down in this particular woman’s standards, a fact that was confirmed by several of their mutual college friends, the guy she cheated with was in fact white (much to the chagrin of her parents).

His most recent work earlier this year is what tipped the scales in his favor in the eyes of the FUCRS. Again, while in a two-and-a-half year relationship, Filipino managed to get a 23-year-old community college film school student, who still lived with his parents, hooked up with a girl who had previously scoffed at the idea of dating white guys. Originally from the New York City area, most of the guys she dated were Hispanic, and while Filipino himself is of Hispanic origin he was also her first Asian/Pacific Islander boyfriend. In fact, she criticized Filipino for having had white and black girlfriends in the past.

“This was no easy feat,” said Johnny Tambourine, a board member of the FUCRS, “to bring a woman from not ever seeing herself with a white guy to hooking up with one then going on to date another one is really an accomplishment. Wile E. Filipino is a real genius and deserves this award more than anyone I can think of this year.”

Yet Filipino remains humble. “I’m just happy to be among such a distinguished list of past recipients and honorees.” He said, referring specifically to past honorees Barry White, Beer, and Tequila Shots. “These FUCRS are the real visionaries. I’m just living the dream. And if that means more white guys can find people to be awkward with, I feel like I’ve fulfilled a purpose.”