4 out of 5 of the Craziest, Drunkest Girls in the Bar Prefer Filipino

Summer, 2007

A new study released this week shows that 4 out of 5 of the craziest, drunkest girls in the bar prefer Wile E. Filipino. These tests, conducted over the course of several months during the summer of 2007 were decidedly unscientific in their nature, but do, according to several bar-goers, point to an unhealthy and unwelcome trend.

“I helped him pick this girl up off the floor and the next thing I know she’s all over him.” Said one bar patron, who chose to remain anonymous. “Neither of us were talking to her, she just happened to fall down kinda by us.” According to sources, she continued to follow Filipino around the bar for the rest of the evening.

Filipino, who many have described as a “nice guy,” recently ended a long term relationship and feels uneasy about re-entering the single life.

“Why? Seriously. I don’t get it.” Said Filipino, “It’s not like I’m hitting on them or even trying to talk to them. This one girl handed me a condom, like, 5 minutes after I met her, and the only thing I could think was, ‘REALLY?!? ugh.’ and I kinda threw up in my mouth a little. Seriously, that was the trashiest thing that’s ever happened to me.”

While the study did not take into account the preferences of sober women, it also points out that 100% of those who fall into the Craziest, Drunkest Girls category did not remember Filipino’s name later in the evening.